Relational Practice – the heart of Hamish & Milo

Relational approaches that are nurturing and emotionally responsive are what shape the culture of a school or setting, including ethos, policy, procedures and everyday interactions. It is relational practice and approaches that provide the key to support the emotional and developmental needs of children, especially those who are the most vulnerable and who need enhanced relational approaches and intervention.

We increasingly understand the long-term importance of connectedness and safe and enriching relationships to support emotional, social, and academic outcomes for young people.

“If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow.”

Alfie Kohn ¹

Bowlby’s theory of attachment tells us that a child’s first safe base is created through a close relationship with a sensitive and responsive attachment figure who meets the child’s needs and to whom the child can turn to as a ‘safe-haven’ when upset or anxious.  When children develop trust in the availability and reliability of this relationship, their anxiety is reduced and they can then explore and enjoy their world independently, safe in the knowledge that they can return to their secure base when they need to.

At the foundation of the Hamish & Milo programme is the establishment of an emotionally safe learning environment with a trusted adult who is warm, compassionate, relational and emotionally responsive. Within this, the child has the physical and emotional sense of being accepted for who they are, what they need, and what they feel. Having this sense of emotional safety enables the children to express themselves freely, allowing them to collaborate and share experiences with others. The latest research in neurobiology shows that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection in social relationships.²

At the core of our relational approach is that of a safe base, where children feel secure and ‘seen’ which is based on the work of the neuropsychiatrist, Dr Dan Siegel, and Paediatric psychotherapist, Dr Tina Bryson. Their model of ‘The Four S’s’ which fosters secure attachment in children (Siegel & Bryson, 2020) asserts that adults who ‘show up’ and provide consistent, attuned and emotionally responsive care and support enable children to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure, thus enabling them to form trusting relationships with their carer’s and with other trusted adults. This is shown in the adapted model below.

Social connectedness or feeling you belong is described as “a feeling of being happy or comfortable as part of a group and having a good relationship with the other members of the group because they welcome you and accept you.” ⁴

Supporting children to develop social connections with their peers is another huge aspect of developing relational practice and ensuring children’s wellbeing needs are met through Hamish & Milo programmes. Maslow ⁵ asserts that a sense of belonging is one of humanity’s most fundamental needs and desires since when we feel accepted, included, and welcomed, we experience positive emotions, including happiness, contentment, and calm. ⁶ Research into the physical and psychological implications of belonging has demonstrated that humans have a universal drive to form “lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships” ⁶ and if we are not able to do this, our wellbeing is significantly adversely affected.

The structure and delivery of the Hamish & Milo programme allows for the establishment of social connections between the adult leading the programme and amongst the children participating. The small group structure of the programme facilitates and promotes a sense of ‘belonging’ amongst all the participants.

Throughout the small group experience, the children feel welcomed and safe. The trusted adult facilitates group discussion, creative activities and reflection about key emotional themes that resonate with the life experiences of the children. The shared sense of togetherness enables the children to explore similarities and differences in feelings and experiences with their peers in a protected, nurturing environment, allowing them to feel validated and develop self-confidence.  They begin to recognise that they are not alone, that other people feel similar feelings and often experience similar situations. This creates opportunities for deeper relationships and friendships within the group.

Many social and emotional interventions focus on children developing skills of self-regulation, ⁷ but what is little recognised is that before a child is able to regulate their own feelings and behaviour, they need repeated experiences of being co-regulated by and with attuned and nurturing adults who can meet their needs. ⁸

We recognise and promote the value of the adult being self-regulated themselves, able then to co-regulate and actively build safety through relational practice with each child throughout the programme and is shown through our Emotional Literacy Pathway model below.

"Interventions and programmes that focus on teaching emotional self-regulation should emphasise that emotional co-regulation is a pre-requisite to successful self-regulation."

Mona Delahooke ⁷

At Hamish & Milo, our whole philosophy, belief and mission is for children to feel happier, heard and connected. This is relational practice at the heart.

¹ Alfie Kohn (1999). Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes, p.255, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

² Porges (2017)

³ Siegel & Bryson (2020)

⁴ McIntosh (2013)

⁵ Maslow (1968)

⁶ Baumeister & Leary (1995)

⁷ Delahooke (2023)

⁸ Delahooke (2022)