Children’s friendships – Friendships are vital in terms of emotional wellbeing and learning
Having friends and a network of support is a vital factor in our emotional wellbeing and self-esteem. Friendship helps us to feel a sense of belonging and connection and gives us emotional safety.
When we are in social situations, we naturally gravitate to people we know, feel safe with, have things in common with and feel connected to which is why it is vital, in the learning environment, that children are sat with friends, supported in their friendship groups and given opportunities to learn about the skills of friendship.
Being with friends and feeling secure in friendships, has a significant impact on children’s learning and engagement at school. Enabling children to feel more relaxed in their learning and able to interact and enjoy social situations greatly impacts on their achievements as well as their wellbeing and mental health.
As a core part of school life, children need friendships to develop socially, emotionally and cognitively to get the most out of their school and life-long experience. Having friends can be the core factor of whether a child feels relaxed and happy enough to even come to school, to feel secure, to have a real sense of belonging and to have social joy and laughter. When we feel happy and feel we belong, this activates wellbeing chemicals in our brain, flooding our bodies and helps us to enjoy life and to learn well.
“There has been considerable research showing the importance of childhood friendships for later development, with the long-term outcomes of having a good friend cutting across social-emotional development and academic performance at school. Some have even argued that without the opportunities friendships afford for collaboration and intimacy children would fail to develop the social skills necessary for later successful adult relationships.”¹
I have been struck recently by stories from parents about children feeling more and more unhappy in schools due to not only the ‘covid education gap’, and the learning pressures of the academic environment with testing, testing and more testing, but also social relationships.
It seems that more children are struggling with friendships, feeling isolated, being sat away from friends, or experiencing unkind and bullying behaviour and this is having a critical impact on their engagement in school and their mental health.
I had a conversation recently with a teacher when raising how uncomfortable a child is with where they are sitting in a boy/girl/boy/girl regime of ‘behaviour management.’ The teacher justified this method as her ‘behaviour system’ to ‘manage behaviour and to ‘make children focus more on their work rather than chatting with friends.’ This may be a helpful strategy in some ways but for some, if not many children, feeling safe in where they are sat is all part of helping them to focus and engage in learning. We know that children learn best in an environment that feels emotionally safe with caring and responsive adults, where there is a sense of connection and even playfulness rather than working in silence and next to a child you feel uncomfortable next to.
We are in a national mental health crisis exacerbated by the pandemic. Britain’s children are becoming unhappier, more anxious and depressed, more likely to self-harm, have an eating disorder or suicidal thoughts.
What is important is maximising children’s sense of safety and belonging and friendships are a significant factor especially as we see the headlines constantly highlighting the difficulties our children face. Child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) are already unable to help all those that are seeking care with now 1 in 6 children having a probable mental health diagnosis - NHS 2021.
Children identify school, their appearance and friends as the main cause of their negative feelings also citing bullying and problems at home.²
Hospital admissions of nine to 12-year-olds due to self-harm across the UK average 10 a week, that rate has doubled in six years, and admissions for girls were twice as high as for boys. With self-harm, the average age of onset is around 12-13 years of age, and peaks at mid-adolescence.
409,347 children were referred in England for issues such as self-harm between April and Oct 2021³ we need to provide coping strategies and a programme of support in the primary years.
So, with huge numbers of children struggling with anxiety and depression, the pressures of learning expectations and friendship issues, school refusals and exclusions, we need to look at the system and the national priorities.
We need to continue to look at the learning environment in schools and empower more settings to raise the bar in offering a school experience that is based on relationships, creativity and fun as well as experiences with friends that enables children to enjoy being in school. To create life-long learners we have to look at the bigger picture to shift and develop cultures to have a broad and stimulating, innovative curriculum with policies based on developing social, emotional skills and relationships. The focus needs to be wider than an overhelming pressure of data driven academic subjects to prevent, and alleviate levels of anxiety and the pressure on mental health.
Friendships are vital in terms of emotional wellbeing and development, providing children with a sense of purpose and belonging, and can be the defining reason whether a child feels happy and able to cope in school or with their learning. Friendships also help children develop important life skills like getting along with other people, empathy and conflict resolution.
As the children return for the new academic year, there is change in many forms; new classes, new schools, staff changes and social groupings, and change and transition as children are moved with or without friends. Gaining new friends can bring benefits and opportunities, and sometimes it can be a relief, to have a change away from less healthy friendships but this can be devastating for some children to be separated from key friendships and the class mix changed. All this needs to be held as a significant consideration.
Friendship is such an important part of school life, but many children struggle and need intervention to help them to develop and maintain friendships as well as explore the range of feelings and experiences that friendships can bring. They need the scripts and language to have conversations with their peers and friends so that they gain the foundation of how to communicate in relationships, develop emotional resilience how to stand up for themselves, say how they feel and have empathy for each other.
Friendship is a life skill that sets children up for healthy communication in their ongoing relationships throughout life.
Our programme ‘My friends and me’ helps children to celebrate the importance of friendship and having a sense of belonging and connection.
It gives them the opportunity to talk about their friendships and the range of feelings and experiences they have within them and helps them to navigate the tricky times as well as to celebrate the great times. Through the discussion and a range of activities the children will:
